How I Found My Voice

This blog post came to me as I was listening to the drone of voice menus, staticky hold music, and voice ad banners as I waited (not so patiently) for a bank representative from the 800 number. A relatively mundane task for most, but a task that is not to be taken for granted by many, including many young people and people with aphasia. Although I have never had aphasia myself, I have worked with dozens who have, and language heavy activities like this can be challenging! On the other hand I have been a young person and I remember many tense moments in my adolescence, coached by my encouraging (and sometimes tough) father as I gained my confidence with making "adult" phone calls. Something about this task always vexed me. I was fiercely independent but I had such anxiety around making these calls, getting on the line and using my voice. Something about the pressure of "doing it right" or "being taken seriously" or "being effective." This was pressure I put on myself, and I can see this clearly now in hindsight all these years later. This memory flashed over me as I listened to the voice actor inviting me to "clearly state the reason for my call" and "type in my 16 digit card number." (Grr, can't I just talk to a person?!)

Back then it took practice, encouragement, and time to get over the hump and "Find My Voice" in order to make those calls. Now I have no trouble speaking to reps and even firmly demanding refund of misassigned service charges etc when the occasions arise. But I am still working on Finding My Voice in other areas of my life. In many other areas. One of these areas recently surfaced as I completed this chapter of my Yoga Journey and earned my RYT (Registered Yoga Teacher) Training.

Yoga can happen anywhere! Even in the middle of a babbling brook.

There are many places in my life where I have no trouble at all speaking up, using my voice, expressing myself, and feeling like an expert of my experience. I mean, I'm a SPEECH Pathologist after all! But the public speaking aspect of teaching a yoga class, especially to my RYT classmates, was a huge block for me. This environment was both particularly challenging and also the perfect place to begin working through this phase of my life long journey of Finding My Voice. Teaching yoga to a group is not only ‘public speaking’ but it requires the utmost in authenticity, connection, and alignment throughout the self. It requires absolute presence in the moment, and a real commitment to setting the ego aside.

Each time I tried to speak to my class and to share my gift and my passion for the practice, I choked. I was nervous and shaky and I despised the sound of my uncertain voice. All the while I had a raging inner monologue of "you'll never be able to do this" and "you should quit" type language. I had more than a handful of frustrating and emotionally leveling experiences as I clumsily worked through this block. There was a lot of noticing my ego, a lot of intentional self forgiveness, and a whole lot of tears!

Just like my young self's journey with speaking on the phone, it took time and support for me to navigate through that tangle. I spent hours processing with my partner, my health coach, and my peers. I began leading small groups of friends through free classes in my home. I meditated, journaled, and tried my hardest to be patient with myself. Although it was not pretty much of the time, I do feel that the process and the result was absolutely worth it. According to Andrew Carnegie, "Anything worth having in life is worth working for."

I am still a beginner teacher right now, and I have a lot to learn before my identity as a yoga instructor is fully manifested, but my process has much less fear, doubt, and judgmental energy around it. Now, I really enjoy leading a class and hearing my imperfect but authentic voice ring out. When my ego and self worth became too wrapped up in my performance I thought I had to “prove” to myself I could “do it.” Now I feel more able to relax into my role as both a student and a teacher in all areas of my life. 

To me, a successful class is one where my students and I can share a sacred time and space, and be present with ourselves and one another. I'm still working on not confusing my rights and lefts, but maybe that will come!